the life of a biochemistry phd graduate student [or what is left of it]

so i was stumbling today and came across this jem:

Overheard - contributed by coffeedrinker on 05/19/2007
Woman: You notice we don't talk any more?
Guy: (reading magazine) Sure we do.
Woman: When?
Guy: (pauses, looks up) Right now.
Woman: This isn't talking.
Guy: We are talking.
Woman: That's not what I'm talking about.
Guy: (sighs) What are you talking about?
Woman: Talking. Real talking.
Guy: (puts down mag) Ok. Talk. What do you want to say?
Woman: Nothing...
Guy: (laughs)
Woman: It's not funny. I'm serious.
Guy: So, talk, really. I'm listening.
Woman: I don't want to talk. I'm just saying it would be nice if we could...
Guy: Why can't we?
Woman: We can. It's just, we don't.
Guy: OK. I'm going to go back to my magazine. If you want to talk, tell me.
Woman: I want to talk.
Guy: (closes magazine)
Woman: Just not right now....
--Overheard in: Coffee Bar, Outside Boston--

ok so it wasn't me, but i have totally had this conversation, and yes i know exactly what the woman means and what the guy is saying, but this is insane.

so after reading this and thinking about how i have had the exact same conversation, i did a little research, and came up with this:

Status vs. Support.
Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.

Independence vs. Intimacy.
Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.
Advice vs. Understanding.
The problem stemmed from a difference in approach. To many men a complaint is a challenge to come up with a solution. But often women are looking for emotional support, not solutions.

Information vs. Feelings.
Women verbalize their feelings with friends and relatives, whereas to most men, talk is information and it isn't required at home. Yet many such men hold center stage in a social setting, telling jokes and stories. They use conversation to claim attention and to entertain. Women can wind up hurt that their husbands tell relative strangers things they have not told them.
Orders vs. Proposals.
Men decipher "Let's" as a command. Most men, resist being told what to do. But to a woman, it is a suggestion, not a demand. Most women formulate requests as proposals rather than orders. Their style of talking is a way of getting others to do what they want - but by winning agreement first.
Conflict vs. Compromise.
In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes it's far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict. Men who habitually oppose others can adjust their style to opt for less confrontation. When we don't see style differences for what they are, we sometimes draw unfair conclusions: "You're illogical," "You're self- centered," "You don't care about me." But once we grasp the two characteristic approaches, we stand a better chance of preventing disagreements from spiraling out of control.

-from "Can't We Talk?" (condensed from: You Just Don't Understand) by Deborah Tannen

so men and women mean different things when we say things...no surprise there, but what is surprising is how much of a misunderstanding arises from these small misinterpretations. i will bet almost anything that the walk home from the coffee bar was dead silent.

so everyone out there keep in mind that you might have to read into what your significant other or friend is saying, but in the long run it will work out for you.

so i just realized that my if my future girlfriend [wherever she is] reads this, i am SCREWED!

note to self: no more relationshipish stuff on the blog.

Labels: conversation, Deborah Tannen, men vs women, overheard, stumbleupon